20 January 2006

Cows

[Cow]

I didn't write this, but I like it. See my additions below (Oct 24, 2008).

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You are assigned to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government says you will get as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need, but the bureaucrats take it and sell it on the black market. The government denies the black market exists.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. You then sell underpriced milk and beef to put your competitors out of business, and buy up all their cows.

AMERICAN ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. The price of milk goes up, and when you can no longer afford milk, you steal a bottle so your children won't starve. You are arrested, charged with theft, disorderly conduct, interfering with government sophistries, and reckless endangerment of children. You are tried, convicted and sentenced to Life Without Parole at the new Borden's Federal Penitentiary.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows die of starvation.

SOVIET REPUBLIC COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both and promises to provide you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. By the time you can see the store, there is no milk left, which doesn't matter much, because what was there cost three times your monthly social credit, and was sour.

RUSSIAN FEDERATION COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

AMERICAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows using Bioengineered hormones. You lobby an ignorant Congress so as to make sure that you do not have to label your milk products - even if they cross state lines. You are surprised when one cow drops dead, but you work out a deal so that you can sell it to a renderer - and feed it back to your herd. Some of the older second-cycle cows cannot be impregnated - while others deliver twins - that have to be killed and sold for pittance as vealers… You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

ENRONIC CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with the associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report states that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Nobody notices until after the election, when it becomes obvious that someone has to go. You take the CFO (Cow Finance Officer) out, drug it with a prescription somnambulant, and shoot it in the head with a pistol loaded with Rat Shot, from two feet away. The COWroner, who took six weeks to decide murdered children were drowned, takes less than 24 hours to declare the CFO a suicide. You celebrate by choking on a pretzel because you don't have any milk to wash it down.

FRENCH CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine instead of milk. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school, and the suicide rate, although four times that of other countries, is low enough that the profits are still remarkable, even though you are embarrassed by the occasional public Hara-Cowri.

GERMAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You count them and find you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and find you now have 42 cows. You count them again and when there turn out to be twelve cows, you stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATIONISM: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATIONISM: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

POSTMODERNISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

DEMOCRATIC POSTMODERNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

LIBERTARIAN POSTMODERNISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

REPUBLICAN POSTMODERNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


My additions (Oct 24, 2008):

GLOBAL NEOLIBERALISM: You tear down all the fences between cow pastures because cattle are destined to interbreed.

ISLAMISM: You hide a herd of cows in tribal areas of south Asia. You infiltrate one of your cows into your enemy's herd to blow itself up.

NEOCONSERVATISM: You force all sheep farmers to start raising cows because it's what they should want to do. Then you sell their milk-producing rights to a multinational corporation.

MAVERICK CONSERVATISM: You get all of the different cow farmers to stop attacking each other and attack you instead. You appoint a milkmaid to lead the national cow farmers association.

ENLIGHTENED POSTLIBERALISM: You promise single-provider free milk for everyone. You say you'll open up talks with cattle rustlers. You spend 150 million dollars a month on propaganda claiming that maverick conservatism is neoconservativism. You give a cow to everyone in your home state.

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